you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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