I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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