Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
