My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
