now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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