I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
