It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
