Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
