This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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