I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
jump out the window naked night went bad
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