Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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