He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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