i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
