His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
