Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.