I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just wanna be euthanized