my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
His nipple licking is glorious
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