Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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