he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
