just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
being pregnant is like rehab
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
