nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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