Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
