remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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