my vag is so smooth its legendary
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
