Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
