I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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