Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
