i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
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My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels