Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
