yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
