if i can run in heels then i can drive
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my being single is dangerous.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
