I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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