I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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