When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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