My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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