Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
