Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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