that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
