I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Floor bacon is actually really good
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
