Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
