i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
