Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
