Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
