oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
