one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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