yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
