Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
