I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
