just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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