he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
