Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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