cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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