i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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