If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
