im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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