Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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