if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
