Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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