very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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