I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
