he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
