I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
