my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
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So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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