I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Dating After Heartbreak
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am